After almost one year of completely away from blogging , I finally decided to come back again today. This time, I have a whole new set of life ahead of me. My marriage for 18 years has reached the point where we both finally decided to walk our separate ways. In the beginning, I was unsure, unsecured, scared, sad, angry and all of those mixed feelings that I could not somehow describe in words. Part of me would like to start afresh and move on as it is useless to continue what we had before since we have tried and it never seems to solves but the other part of me are telling me to keep trying again. I was very unhappy in this marriage and I have end up being quiet, staring quietly in the empty space most of the time and not expressing myself so much to him anymore. That was where I know I have drifted apart more and more. He still plays a very important part of my life at that time. He is still the father to our children and even the separation was sad but we know deep down inside we still care for each other. We never express exactly what we feel but we moved on. The pain goes on but I know it will go away someday.
Now that we shared the custody of our son, we remain friends which was easy. I never thought that being open and stay connected after a divorce was even possible but it has been so far. We talked whenever it's necessary and socially we still meet casually on a friendly terms.
After my separations in June 2015, I moved to a very small city in Örebro. The reason I moved here was to sort things out in my life and stay with my eldest daughter Ellie and her boyfriend for the time being until I know where to move to when I had my mind clear. My intention was never to stay in this small city for long. I started applying for jobs outside of this small city and also different jobs abroad. I was also offered an International Sales Manager job in Asia through a friend of mine who had recommended me to join their organisation. Part of me felt very excited as I will be independent again and be able to move on with my life abroad and start afresh. I started the process of doing my research and documentation of living abroad and I talked to my ex about our son. I wanted to bring him along as he is only 12 years old and I cannot leave him behind and not being able to see him months after months. I felt at that time, I just wanted to leave Sweden and never come back again as there is no reason to be here anymore. I thought even if my son decided to stay here with his father, he could come and visit me wherever I am when by then when he is free form school.I know and was certain that his father will take very good care of him with or without me around.
Somehow in between the career searching and trying to sort my life in order again, I have met a man whom I cannot believe that I can be truly and deeply in love again. I was not looking to start any relationship at that time especially after my separation with the man I have been together with for 18 years have just ended. The first time when we met casually, I was not even least interested in him. I even thought of running away and pretending that I am not Ainy the girl that he was supposed to meet that day. On the day of our date, he walked towards me with a big smile on his face and was limping. The thoughts came rushing through my head with hundreds of questions and uncertainty.
Is he handicap?
Why is he limping?
What happened if he is mentally sick and psycho?
What an ugly t shirt he's wearing?
I even ask myself the question, "what was I thinking to even agree to meet this guy when he had this long hair with a very small tiny pony tail which looks like a hamster tail.
While questions were rushing in my head, he drew nearer and nearer. I decided to stay still and be polite instead. I convinced myself to stay calm and just go for a drink and if he is actually sick or psycho, I will politely excuse myself and leave.
We sat and talk and he is in fact a nice person whom have ended up in an accident and is still in his recovery process. I do felt sorry for him, and I can never judge a person by their look. Anyway at that time, I still wasn't attracted to him at all but that does not make him a bad person.
After that date, I thought it was over as I have never plan to meet him again. Somehow he keep asking me out day after day even when I gave so many reasons for not being able to see him. I think his persistent of inviting me out and not giving up the rejection each time, have made him a winner. He kept asking if I would like to see him again, and invited me out for short lunch instead since I always decline the dinner. I finally agreed to meet him again for a short lunch.. Then our second lunch date become a third lunch date and the third lunch date became fourth lunch date and so on....
My daughter suspected I have started seeing someone now but I kept telling her that I am only meeting a friend for lunch. It was actually a friend at that time. One day, while I was walking to town to meet up with this guy for a short coffee, I met my daughter and her be knew that I do not know anyone in this little town and the daily lunches that I go to made her smile. Then boyfriend who was just walking towards their car. She walked towards me and asking me what and where I was going. As usual, I told her that I am meeting a friend for coffee. I never wanted her to see this man anyway because at that time " Nothing about him that actually have attracted me" or neither have I wanted to introduce him to my children.Somehow they drove slowly and pass by exactly beside me just as I am approaching my date. I pretended not knowing my date and walk straight pass by him. It was a weird situation. I felt like "a child hiding my date from their parents". Somehow this was the other way round and I am mother hiding my date from my daughter.
One day my son decided to take the train to Stockholm and stay at his dad over the weekend. That was where he invited me over to his home so we could somehow probably cook together and have some nice home cook dinner and some drink together. I agreed upon that after seeing him and he had shown me his gentleman side. We went out to buy food together and head to his house straight. Everything went well until, he just left me sitting alone and went to sleep when he got tired that night. He had shown me the room on the upper floor which he had prepared for me to sleep in before that. I felt that this must be a weirdo guy as how can a person just go to sleep and left a guest sitting all alone. I was so pissed off at first. The next day, I got up, showered and left back home. He apologized for what happened. I never thought I ever want to meet this weird guy ever again. Again he never stop writing to me lunches for couples of weeks, I started to have a very little feelings for him. He is such a nice guy after all. Wand insisted that we meet for lunch again and again. I decided to give him a second chance. After that few e both never even initiate to start kissing or sleep together all these while and with that, I respected him more and more. One day we decided to meet for a short coffee and he told me a little secret and that he thought I would have run away after hearing it but instead I stayed on and says it's fine and I understand as everyone has their past. That's probably how our feelings develop further for each other.
Again he arranged another week of sleep over and I agreed upon it since my son is away at his father. That night was beautiful. Everything went well. I liked him more and more and we kiss for the very first time. I never felt closer to him and could've been feeling that I would someday be falling in love again. We woke up in the morning and he prepared nice tasty BBQ ribs for our late brunch. We sat under the sun and we just hold hands and talk all afternoon. That night, we slept together and we know we are starting our relationship as a couple with the mutual feeling that we both had with each other finally.
This is a small little things that he would do to surprise me every now and then. I woke up and head to the balcony for my first cigarette and saw a small note on it.
He also bought me bouquet of flowers every now and then. In fact it became too often that I have to asked him to stop.
